Another Year Has Gone By - Celine Dion

Another year has gone by. Mike and I will be married 20 years in Jan and my love for him remains not only a choice, but a feeling. Some things are a little easier and some things not so much. But, one thing is true: My love for him grows deeper still. My need and desire for him in my daily life rings loud through the daily grind. But, it is during the holidays that I remember that the fight to keep our marriage strong, fresh, exciting, and fun is worth the steps that have been taken. It's during the holidays that I am thankful for the steps to come. I love you Michael Shane Simmons. I love you. And, one day, I pray, that we will be the couple in their 80's still laughing.

Not Today

I can feel you pulling me in. Always drawing my heart near to you. I am distracted much, but you hold me together and give me days that I hear your sweet voice louder. He still wants to surprise me. He still wants to come down and remind me that He sees me and that He is for me. The race for me is long and I get tired. Not for Him. He is the author, the source of freshness and newness and goodness. Open wide your heart dear one. Open wide your voice in asking for the newness, the life not yet tasted, something fresh not yet touched. Been there done that is for yesterdays thoughts. For today I know not the good that awaits, the treasures that hope has stored up for me but, I know they are in reach. They are for me, now, as I surrender and open my heart. You are the One I seek. You are the One I need. You are the One I follow. I want to lose this life that holds me back. Teach me what lose means to you. Show me. For today I have life greater than yesterday. Your mercies are new every morning. Everything about you is new every morning. What are you saying to me today? What will fill me, change me, renew me? I will take this chance to ask. I will take this time to ask. I will join in with creation today and long for you. I missed it yesterday. Not today. No, not today.

WAIT,WHAT??

God is not in a box. God is not in a box of any kind. I know that and you know that. But even with that knowledge we allow life, it's disappointments, failures, changing beliefs, and selfish ambitions create boxes that we live by. Then, in our human experience we take our boxes and shove the Most High, King of Kings, Lord of Glory, and Father of All in those man made, wrapped in human understanding, boxes. What are my boxes? What are my comfortable wrappings made of? I am finding out. Its somewhat of a journey I am on with Him right now. Oh how I want my heart revealed. Oh how I want my thoughts, so small and fearful, to be challenged by a God that will do all it takes to lead me to freedom, to let me taste understanding, and hand over insight that liberates. Mike and I have not been able to settle our lives enough to find a church home, much less look for one. The summer was a blessing and a treasured time with family, making new friends, but in the middle of it all a church has not yet been found for us. I long for connection, I long for a place to be challenged, a place where people are there to serve, give, and support each other. I desire a place where I not only know others, but they know me, and know my children. I have had that. The taste of it is like none other. Having a dedicated family, that is not your biological family, is a feeling that is hard to describe to those who have never had it. So, here we are, settling in and beginning our search. In the search and passion for a family here, God has been such an amazing Father to my seeking heart. Holding on to only what I have to offer Him has been the glue that keeps me, the insight that frees me, and the truth that grounds me. And yet it has become what I have to offer Him that needs changed, needs His touch. He has been revealing to me in many ways that it's not what my talents can offer Him, it's not what my disciplines can offer Him, and it's not what other people can offer him because of me. It is so not any of those things. He wants to know if I am willing to place it all aside and offer Him my mind, my opinions, my beliefs... you know, the very things that set us apart from others. He wants me open to change. Open to a mind renewed. He wants my boxes. He wants my ways of thinking. I have been so set in my ways, so convinced of my truth that with enthusiasm and passion I "tag" Him there, in those places, wrapped in those boxes. Basically, there are so many areas that I have "tagged" His name, and... He's not there. He wants me to hand over the boxes, all of them. No church, not much support, changes and insecurities around, and now you want me to hand over the boxes I have you in?? Now is the time you want to reveal some hard truths to me?? So, He sheds light on a box. My response, "WAIT, WHAT? That's a box?" We have this joke in our family about the saying, "Wait, what??" The kids will say, "Wait, What?" when clearly they have heard what we said. We know this because without us giving a response to their "wait what?" they answer our question, or respond to our original statement. I have had a lot of "Wait, What?" moments with God over the past few months. WAIT,WHAT? THAT'S A BOX? With many of my boxes revealed He gently taps me on the shoulder, and whispers like a strong Father, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty." And, to me right now, liberty is being free of the boxes I have placed Him in. So many of these boxes I have labeled freedom, and yet, what was inside was anything but. What these boxes so pridefully display is a coward, selfish, fear filled religion. There is a judging box of puffed head and a pointing finger, but labeled humility and change. With my boxed in eye view they are pretty boxes, safe, decorated to my style, lavished with my passions and my opinions. And because of that they are filled with unholy untrue personalities of God. Oh how this box revealing has been tough, but I am learning, and always hope to be learning: Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. And this is not a human definition of liberty, because we all know that even in that scripture we place our values and our opinions. HA! ...and those change depending on the day of the week it is, who has pissed us off, or what all is going our way. OH MY GOD! SET ME FREE OF THESE BOXES! Help me believe, without doubt, that where your Spirit is, liberty engulfs. Join me today. Ask Him today to show you a box made by your hands, by your mind, in response to your wounded heart. He will. Maybe not right then, but He will. Why? Because, where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. It's about His Spirit bringing it, not by human creation. The liberty He brings, I long to have in fullness. Scales have come off just a little for me over the past few months. I have so far to go, but I have tasted, just a taste, of the liberty His spirit brings, and boy do I need more. Age forty is fast approaching for me and in so many ways I'm still a child. I continue to be a child that when told something that goes against what I feel, know, or have always believed, I say, "WAIT,WHAT??"

Towels That Look Lonely?

Untouched. Put away. Lonely. Poor Towels.

Here I sit in Texas without them (family that is, not towels). It's going on several weeks now and the lonely is setting in. Nothing is meant to be alone. No one person is meant to be alone. It's not even the big things I miss. Things like dinner together, ballgames, family gatherings, a night on the town. No, it's the little things. It's the small things in life that scream, "You are not alone!" It's the small things in life that give a gentle tap on the shoulder to say, "Hey, its really good to be alive, isn't it?" It's weird how that works. I get snatched away from my daily crazy life and I miss nothing more than my daily crazy life. The things that brought frustration, now I miss. Yelling, "KEEP THE DOOR CLOSED!" ...is now a door untouched, unmoving, silent. Time goes by and the daily events are forgotten and never shared. Even the mind and word games played by two, now I long for. The voices I shushed, I long to hear, close by and in the distant rooms. The games and toys I tripped over in frustration, I now buy and leave out just to remind myself they are coming soon. It's good to be alive when you get a hug and kiss goodnight from your 16 year old son. It's good to be alive when you see your husband chuckle at something you said, or not chuckle is more like it. Life and togetherness shout when you are soaking wet after a shower, dripping, water turned off, and...no dry towels. But now, how is it that all of the sudden a stack of perfectly folded dry clean towels look lonely and sad? Noise I tried to run from, now I look for it. Hearing "MOM!!" ...is like chocolate I crave. Enjoying a show in silence, but together, I desire. Singing children that I tell to quiet down... what is wrong with me? Dishes are clean. Floors they shine. Laundry complete. I have time to do whatever I want. Peace surrounds. All of it, well, it's just not life and so not what we all dream it will be. SO BRING IT ON! BRING ON THE unflushed toilets, the dirty clothes on the floor, tripping on shoes in the doorway, a dog barking, kids fighting, video game time limits, the whats for dinner dilemma, carpooling kids, lights staying on, water bill high, out of milk frustration, flies in the house, someone take the dog out, where's my keys, don't talk to your mother like that, stop tracking in dirt, unbrushed teeth, kids saying I'm bored in a house of entertainment provided, we need gas, use napkins for toilet paper kinda days!!! Bring it all on. Because, it means I'm not alone. It means I have a purpose. It means I am a part of something bigger than myself. Oh how good it is to be alive and see the daily expressions and life happen in the faces of those you love most. Good, bad, happy, or sad. When the road is traveled together, it is well traveled.

It Anchors Nonetheless

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Heb 6
He is my anchor. Many times throughout one week, one day, and in one minute; He is my anchor. It's like He has an endless supply of anchors that continue to multiply as my need for them arises. Anchors are made and designed to hold fast, stand strong, prove firm, and produce an outcome of stubbornness, strength, and ability. Anchors are here for me to hold when the wind blows harder than my life had prepared. Anchors are here when the waters rise and there I sit, in the middle of a boat that is being tossed as wind and rain do its violent work. This storm I did not ask for, I did not see coming, I was blindsided by this strength of power that is beyond my control. At that point, in the middle of the storm, as I am vulnerable and in open air, all I have is this anchor. This anchor that was made for me to survive and come out on the other side safe. I love that I can grab an anchor when I am in a storm that I myself walked into, asked for by my actions, welcomed with known consequences. I love that He has an anchor for those storms too. The anchor knows not why you grab it, judges not if you deserve it's strength that day. The anchor does the job it is designed to do. The anchor has no choice - it has to anchor. It has to hold fast, stand firm, grip tight, and not move. The anchor, as small as it is, is able to hold down and keep safe the largest of all ships. The ship is bigger than the anchor, yet the anchor is stronger, the anchor is unmoving. Firm. Protecting from devastation. Oh the strong winds blow and the anchor knows not why. The heavy rains fall, and the anchor cares not how. The skies darken and the anchor notices not when. The storm beats against my life, stronger one day, slowing the next - and even then the anchor is not moved, is not changed, is not weaker in it's ability to hold me in place or hold tight in it's job to protect me. What I must continue to do is this: Hold fast to this lifesaver that is given to me without judgement, without regard to why I need it that day, without comparison to the strength it provides for another. What I must continue to do is this: Hold tightly to who the anchor is, what the anchor promises, and what the anchor is there to do. My problems, my fears, the judgements, the consequences, the doubts, the losing, the weakness of mind and body - these things are not strong enough to break chains in the anchor that hold you and in the anchor that holds me. The only thing able to defeat the anchor, the only thing that is able to prove the anchor disable in its strength to hold us is when you and I let it go and choose to hold something else, trust someone else, place faith in things that move and change. The only time this anchor will not be able to do the work it is designed and made to do is when I let go and cling to things that come and go as the wind blows. Only my holding of the anchor will allow it to do it's full work in my week, in my day, and in my minute of need. So, hold tightly to the anchor of the day. Worry not what tomorrows anchor will save you from because tomorrow and forever there is an endless supply. The anchor cares not why you hold it, how far into the storm you grab it, or how many times you have needed it in the past - it will anchor nonetheless.

Bring on the Rain

Let the rain come down today. Let it make the ground ready for new growth, new things. Let it prepare for life - things living, growing, changing. I love the rain. I think I can love the rain because I know it won't always be raining. I think I can enjoy the mess it brings because the mess won't always be there. The sun will come, dry out the wet things, bring a warm heat, and renew. The rainy days group together sometimes and try to strip hope from my grasp, from my heart that is so longing for just a small taste of it. Rain reminds me that whatever I am in...won't be long. Whatever I face, won't be forever. Whatever I need, will one day be mine. So, bring on the rain. Let it get the bottom of my jeans wet with annoyance. Let it fog up my car windows, let it give me a sinus headache. Let it make me wish I was at a beach. Because, newness awaits. Redemption stands near. Hope begins its journey past my fears and small bumps in the road. So, bring on the rain. Because really, it prepares the ground for something good that I don't yet see.

Today, March 29th, 2011

Today was loud music in the car. Singing Sara, Let the Rain (see below) loud and free. Who cares who sees.

Today was picking up my daughter for lunch, a walmart run...when she was supposed to be in school. Breaking rules are fun sometimes.

Today was a long hot shower with the struggle to not splash shampoo in my cup of coffee.

Today was a fountain diet coke... from McDonald's. Because I wanted one.

Today was time with Mandy and Veronica - My soul sisters, you know, those you can be real with, and still, love and acceptance shouts past the problems we discuss.

Today was my friend reminding me how old I was...really. I'm not joking.

Today was an emotional precious phone conversation with one of my favorite people in the whole world, my Shanen.

Today was hearing my lovers voice on the phone, long distance, and missing him. Oh it's just the gift to have someone I miss so much...after just three days, and after being married 19 years.

Today was kissing the faces of the little ones I would die for goodnight. Hearing my Isabelle say she loved me "fifty million," and my Gabby say "till the end of numbers."

Today was my sixteen year old telling me about his friends... by his choice.

Today was Isaac's cheeks, in my hands.

Today is my dog curled in a ball at my feet.

Today. It was good.

Today. I am thankful.

Sara Bareilles Let The Rain Lyrics

Give Yourself Away

Refocus Sundy! Stop and just refocus! Remember Who you belong to! Remember Who is true! Move your eyes to look past the many years of traditions, the Sundays that are the same, pats on the back and impersonal smiles. Move your mouth past the songs sung robot style, the ritual response of, "I'm fine" or the fear that says, "Don't ask them that, it's none of your business." Move your ears past the judgements towards those unlike yourself, the critical finger pointing so that you can feel better about yourself, the thoughts that you know better what someone else should do, say, be....love. COME ON ALREADY! Give yourself away. And, if the people around you don't like the way you do that, how you do that, or for whom you do that. Well, really it's me that you wrestle your salvation with, there is no third person involved. What I, Sundy, want to tell you, Sundy, is this: WHATEVER YOU DO, WHERE EVER YOU ARE, PLEASE DON'T EVER FORGET THAT GIVING YOURSELF AWAY, SO THAT HE CAN USE YOU - WILL IN FACT, SET YOU FREE. Hey, little Miss Know it All - Your life is not your own...quit acting like it is.

Fading Flower

I wrote this blog on facebook a while back. After dealing with several deaths at work, I am reminded of relationships and the price we must be willing to pay for them. This is a journey for me but I am willing to start.

Just today I heard of three four-wheeler accidents that ended in the death of three teenagers, and a friend who lost an uncle. When things like this happen we are all reminded that life really is all about the relationships we form, the people God has so wonderfully privileged us to walk life with. We are not made to be alone. Even God the Father of all didn't want us to be alone. So He, in His all perfect and all powerful love, created us, created relationship. Because of His desire for companionship and connection we don't have to walk this life without each other. We don't have to settle for loneliness, emptiness, and fear. We have, for a richer life, companionship, laughter, togetherness, friendship, iron sharpening iron, heart to heart conversations, meaningful embraces. You know, those embraces that can break the dam of tears help up. When patients loved ones pass in the ER I am reminded that the little upsets in life are never worth the cost of a relationship. The wrestling through forgiveness, emotions, hurt feelings, miscommunication, opposing opinions, stubbornness, and selfishness is worth our fighting for our relationships. Waiting until death or sickness comes is too late to realize that. When I heard this father crying over his 14 year old son saying, "You can't go yet, it's not time, it's too soon, we're not done," it hit me more than ever that it's all about relationships. From the depths of this fathers heart, in agony, he was crying. He was crying from his gut because of a relationship and because of the loss of more relationship. The death of a relationship is the greatest loss of all. Our wonderful Father agrees, so He paid the ultimate price for it. I plead to my own mind and soul. I plead to you. If there is anyone in your life that you have avoided a conversation with, are angry with, have had harsh words with, or hold unforgiveness towards; take care of it today. Life ends so soon. Seeing families say goodbye, hearing the regrets in their voices and in the words they say has become this reminder: We really are like a fading flower. Pride is a powerful, destructive force that deceives us all into thinking we each have tomorrow. Pride says that it's not time to do or say the hard things. Pride tells us our feelings are deserving and just, or that it's just meant to be this way. Pride will never remind you that we are not promised tomorrow. Pride will never tell you about the joys of fulfilled relationships, or the hope restored as the ear of the mistake is made new by the voice of the wounded as it says, "I forgive you." So, if tomorrow finds us opening our eyes to the sunshine again, may we greet it with a desire for deep relationships. For more in the relationships we have. For goodness spoken, as cheesy as our human minds say it sounds. May it find wrongs made right. For the unsaid dared to be uttered by the brave, by the ones who are willing to risk and lose the pride we hold and secure so tight in our mind, in our heart. Life cannot be walked out in it's fullest measure with unforgiveness, anger, and pride. It just can't, and it won't. Funny how because we don't know what we are missing, we are just ok to let it be. We become so satisfied with the way things are. May I never be the one that is looking over the loved one lost with regrets and things unsaid. I want to live. Live strong in relationships. I don't have to be best friends with everyone, I don't have to agree with everyone, I don't have to share my heart with all. But, one thing is for certain and that is this: I don't have to allow pride to determine the outcome of my fulfilment in relationships, in a gift given by God to me. I don't have to let pride steal away the freedom felt in saying goodbye with things all said and love communicated. Like that father said while holding his 14 year old son, "we're not done, it's too soon." He was crying the loss of relationship. Today, relationships are worth the work. Today, relationships are worth the pain. Today, relationships are worth the loss of pride. Today, relationships are worth the joys. Today, celebrate your relationships. Tomorrow, it's a day that may never come. Tomorrow, it's the day that may be too late. Tomorrow may be the day of the fading flower.
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Poop or get off the Pot!

Are there things you need to say, do, create, start, develop, say, focus on, stir up, start over, or try again? We delay, procrastinate, make excuses, worry, and weight options. We take too long doing this. I think that if we are not doing anything, no matter how we phrase it, we are making a decision. What I'm trying to say, I think, is this: Not making a decision is making one. Not making a decision is saying no, is turning down the opportunity, is passing it up. This - is making a decision. So, really, you can only sit on the excuse, "we are in the middle of making a decision" for so long. Poop or get off the pot because you soon may no longer have the option. The opportunity may just pass. Things may change, they always do. As for now, you have made your choice.

I am so rambling. This word is for me and all the "need to do's in my life. I just had to blog it. Hoping I'm not the only one! :)

I ask anyway

For those of you who know me know my actions are far removed from this prayer I pray below. But that's what walking with Christ is all about, right? Wanting actions, passions, heart cries, circumstances, directions to be different - so we pray. We ask. We hope. I stand unworthy of all His help. It doesn't matter much how unworthy I am at this point. Or how unworthy I feel. He calls me His daughter so I ask anyway. I want Him to do this in me in 2011.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Start

This song reminds me of my wonderful husband of 19 years, and our relationship in a way. At least where we are right now. There is a life changing decision we made recently to move our family to Texas. What we both have been feeling about our current situation needed to be discussed, needed to be shared, needed to be heard. It was talking in times of struggle and times of uneasiness that has started our path of change, path of hearing. Just me, him, our messy bedroom and tears. Trying to make it work. Inevitable unemployment. Mad situation as we say and do things in frustration. Talking about how we can't find the time. How did we get in this mess? Is it Gods test? It's our fault. These times are hard, and we are doing our best. Someone help us, we must be alone in this. Are we? But we're gonna start by talking. We need to say things we haven't said in a while. Things like, "You are beautiful, I need you. I'm not happy here. My desires have changed. I think I am different. Do you even know me anymore? You bring me joy. You are a kill joy. I love to kiss you. Your breath stinks. You still make me laugh. That wasn't funny.You need to stop doing that. I need to stop saying that. You act different. I still love your smile." Our belly's have grown, but even more important so has our love. So has our ability to communicate that love.... even after 19 years. Like it's the first time, we need to speak of this change we want, this dream we have, this hope; that although small can create change. Though small creates more hope. Smiling with more reasons for tears. My head is high when his isn't. His compassion is strong when mine is gone. His eyes see goodness while I feel depression. Trying to make it work when it hurts. Actually making it work when it hurts, is hard. Marriage is not easy. Marriage is worth it's work, though. I will put money on that. We each change. How do I change with your change? Where do we go from a chapter closed? Getting kicked to the dirt and not taking it out on each other - is that even possible? So we need to START. Start by saying things that we haven't said in a while, like it's the first time. How did we talk so much before - you know, while we were dating? Is it possible to have those feelings again? I want to. Smiling with him, when tears represent what's evident in our life - is an amazing feeling. Laughing while you know tears are saving themselves for another day is the most fantastic trick on the human mind and it's ability to move on. Step forward. Hold hands. After 19 years - I feel like it could be the first time. Oh how these times are hard and they're making us crazy, but after 19 years I will never give up. I will promise to start by talking.

Just you and him. When the house is quiet, or when the daily noises of the home ring loud. When the moment is right, or when knocks of little fingers breaks the flow. When the bedroom is filled with piles of laundry and dirty cups at the unmade bedside. When the banking account is empty, along with the pantry. When he says things that you don't see in actions, or just when you see the wrong actions - in it all, start by talking. And when the talking turns into anger, walking out, yelling out things you don't mean, feeling rage inside, wondering if he or she will ever understand you. Stop. Stop, and then start again. Start by talking. These times are hard. And I admit - they have made me crazy at times. I won't give up. Don't give up. Start.