Fading Flower

I wrote this blog on facebook a while back. After dealing with several deaths at work, I am reminded of relationships and the price we must be willing to pay for them. This is a journey for me but I am willing to start.

Just today I heard of three four-wheeler accidents that ended in the death of three teenagers, and a friend who lost an uncle. When things like this happen we are all reminded that life really is all about the relationships we form, the people God has so wonderfully privileged us to walk life with. We are not made to be alone. Even God the Father of all didn't want us to be alone. So He, in His all perfect and all powerful love, created us, created relationship. Because of His desire for companionship and connection we don't have to walk this life without each other. We don't have to settle for loneliness, emptiness, and fear. We have, for a richer life, companionship, laughter, togetherness, friendship, iron sharpening iron, heart to heart conversations, meaningful embraces. You know, those embraces that can break the dam of tears help up. When patients loved ones pass in the ER I am reminded that the little upsets in life are never worth the cost of a relationship. The wrestling through forgiveness, emotions, hurt feelings, miscommunication, opposing opinions, stubbornness, and selfishness is worth our fighting for our relationships. Waiting until death or sickness comes is too late to realize that. When I heard this father crying over his 14 year old son saying, "You can't go yet, it's not time, it's too soon, we're not done," it hit me more than ever that it's all about relationships. From the depths of this fathers heart, in agony, he was crying. He was crying from his gut because of a relationship and because of the loss of more relationship. The death of a relationship is the greatest loss of all. Our wonderful Father agrees, so He paid the ultimate price for it. I plead to my own mind and soul. I plead to you. If there is anyone in your life that you have avoided a conversation with, are angry with, have had harsh words with, or hold unforgiveness towards; take care of it today. Life ends so soon. Seeing families say goodbye, hearing the regrets in their voices and in the words they say has become this reminder: We really are like a fading flower. Pride is a powerful, destructive force that deceives us all into thinking we each have tomorrow. Pride says that it's not time to do or say the hard things. Pride tells us our feelings are deserving and just, or that it's just meant to be this way. Pride will never remind you that we are not promised tomorrow. Pride will never tell you about the joys of fulfilled relationships, or the hope restored as the ear of the mistake is made new by the voice of the wounded as it says, "I forgive you." So, if tomorrow finds us opening our eyes to the sunshine again, may we greet it with a desire for deep relationships. For more in the relationships we have. For goodness spoken, as cheesy as our human minds say it sounds. May it find wrongs made right. For the unsaid dared to be uttered by the brave, by the ones who are willing to risk and lose the pride we hold and secure so tight in our mind, in our heart. Life cannot be walked out in it's fullest measure with unforgiveness, anger, and pride. It just can't, and it won't. Funny how because we don't know what we are missing, we are just ok to let it be. We become so satisfied with the way things are. May I never be the one that is looking over the loved one lost with regrets and things unsaid. I want to live. Live strong in relationships. I don't have to be best friends with everyone, I don't have to agree with everyone, I don't have to share my heart with all. But, one thing is for certain and that is this: I don't have to allow pride to determine the outcome of my fulfilment in relationships, in a gift given by God to me. I don't have to let pride steal away the freedom felt in saying goodbye with things all said and love communicated. Like that father said while holding his 14 year old son, "we're not done, it's too soon." He was crying the loss of relationship. Today, relationships are worth the work. Today, relationships are worth the pain. Today, relationships are worth the loss of pride. Today, relationships are worth the joys. Today, celebrate your relationships. Tomorrow, it's a day that may never come. Tomorrow, it's the day that may be too late. Tomorrow may be the day of the fading flower.
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Poop or get off the Pot!

Are there things you need to say, do, create, start, develop, say, focus on, stir up, start over, or try again? We delay, procrastinate, make excuses, worry, and weight options. We take too long doing this. I think that if we are not doing anything, no matter how we phrase it, we are making a decision. What I'm trying to say, I think, is this: Not making a decision is making one. Not making a decision is saying no, is turning down the opportunity, is passing it up. This - is making a decision. So, really, you can only sit on the excuse, "we are in the middle of making a decision" for so long. Poop or get off the pot because you soon may no longer have the option. The opportunity may just pass. Things may change, they always do. As for now, you have made your choice.

I am so rambling. This word is for me and all the "need to do's in my life. I just had to blog it. Hoping I'm not the only one! :)

I ask anyway

For those of you who know me know my actions are far removed from this prayer I pray below. But that's what walking with Christ is all about, right? Wanting actions, passions, heart cries, circumstances, directions to be different - so we pray. We ask. We hope. I stand unworthy of all His help. It doesn't matter much how unworthy I am at this point. Or how unworthy I feel. He calls me His daughter so I ask anyway. I want Him to do this in me in 2011.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Start

This song reminds me of my wonderful husband of 19 years, and our relationship in a way. At least where we are right now. There is a life changing decision we made recently to move our family to Texas. What we both have been feeling about our current situation needed to be discussed, needed to be shared, needed to be heard. It was talking in times of struggle and times of uneasiness that has started our path of change, path of hearing. Just me, him, our messy bedroom and tears. Trying to make it work. Inevitable unemployment. Mad situation as we say and do things in frustration. Talking about how we can't find the time. How did we get in this mess? Is it Gods test? It's our fault. These times are hard, and we are doing our best. Someone help us, we must be alone in this. Are we? But we're gonna start by talking. We need to say things we haven't said in a while. Things like, "You are beautiful, I need you. I'm not happy here. My desires have changed. I think I am different. Do you even know me anymore? You bring me joy. You are a kill joy. I love to kiss you. Your breath stinks. You still make me laugh. That wasn't funny.You need to stop doing that. I need to stop saying that. You act different. I still love your smile." Our belly's have grown, but even more important so has our love. So has our ability to communicate that love.... even after 19 years. Like it's the first time, we need to speak of this change we want, this dream we have, this hope; that although small can create change. Though small creates more hope. Smiling with more reasons for tears. My head is high when his isn't. His compassion is strong when mine is gone. His eyes see goodness while I feel depression. Trying to make it work when it hurts. Actually making it work when it hurts, is hard. Marriage is not easy. Marriage is worth it's work, though. I will put money on that. We each change. How do I change with your change? Where do we go from a chapter closed? Getting kicked to the dirt and not taking it out on each other - is that even possible? So we need to START. Start by saying things that we haven't said in a while, like it's the first time. How did we talk so much before - you know, while we were dating? Is it possible to have those feelings again? I want to. Smiling with him, when tears represent what's evident in our life - is an amazing feeling. Laughing while you know tears are saving themselves for another day is the most fantastic trick on the human mind and it's ability to move on. Step forward. Hold hands. After 19 years - I feel like it could be the first time. Oh how these times are hard and they're making us crazy, but after 19 years I will never give up. I will promise to start by talking.

Just you and him. When the house is quiet, or when the daily noises of the home ring loud. When the moment is right, or when knocks of little fingers breaks the flow. When the bedroom is filled with piles of laundry and dirty cups at the unmade bedside. When the banking account is empty, along with the pantry. When he says things that you don't see in actions, or just when you see the wrong actions - in it all, start by talking. And when the talking turns into anger, walking out, yelling out things you don't mean, feeling rage inside, wondering if he or she will ever understand you. Stop. Stop, and then start again. Start by talking. These times are hard. And I admit - they have made me crazy at times. I won't give up. Don't give up. Start.