Mommy Moments: All That Just Because He Asked a Girl to Homecoming

So I don't know what to say, what to think. I have this heavy feeling that sits on my chest like a ton of bricks that is light, but heavy enough to squeeze out the tears. If I could label the tears I would, but these tears are hard to describe. To be completely honest, they aren't happy tears, but they really aren't sad tears either. These tears fall as a mixture of feelings hover over my mind and swim briskly through my heart. And, as they hover and swim - I choose to grab a few, reach for some, and place them there, by my choice, in my head, and in my heart. These thoughts, these feelings; they are real, they are emotion provoking, and they are destiny. Some of these thoughts take me down a narrow pebble path that leads to depression, to regrets, to self reflections engulfed in guilt over the smallest things possible. Guilt over things as small as the pebbles under my tired feet but have the power to provoke such emotion, such regret, such... i don't even know. And then in the middle of pebbles becoming rocks of guilt is born a pride, a sense of real accomplishment, a joy that is so real and intense that a smile does it no good. Smiling while crying. Silent tears streaming down the face of a heart that is yelling. It's like a sunny perfect day and a rainy stormy day - all at the same time. I can feel it. It is here. I'm not going to let my mind break the thought and move me on. I choose to feel it. I choose to see it. I choose to open this gift, this moment. I choose to run into this intense, emotion provoking, powerful feeling of CHANGE. I like change. I do. I don't run from change, usually. But today, change is my enemy, change is my friend, change is my dreamer, change is my guilt, change is the provoker, change is the avenue into this heart so filled with bitter sweet feelings. There are so many mixed confusing opposite feelings colliding. Then it hits me. Right here, right now, I realize what's going on: I'm having a mommy moment. It's a moment that only mommies can truly understand. It's a moment that happens to all of us mothers and we usually have no idea how to describe the delicate, yet powerful, complex yet simple feelings that accompany these moments. Some of these moments are bigger, more emotional than others. Like when your 16 year old wants to ask a girl to homecoming and all you can see right there in that moment is his little head popping out of the crib with eyes of adoration for his beautiful worshipped mother. Some are smaller to the eye, but bigger in the unseen world of reality. Like when your 7 year old son gets a joke you thought he was too young to understand. Or maybe when your daughter knows you are sad so she sits on your lap, and in the sweetness of that 4 year old caressing your hair - you know she understands pain, and life, and reality. You know at that moment she is processing that life isn't about being easy, but more about being loved. Or when your 10 year old, out of the blue, says, " thank you for dinner" and at that moment you no longer resent the many hours in the kitchen, because someone you would die for noticed your labor was not in vain. Or when the picture they CHOOSE to draw at school is their family and place they call home. In that picture you see their security, their whole life, their anchor, and becaue of that - you know you can and will endure another hard day at work. It's a moment in a mommy's life that can come at anytime really, at any age of your child's journey, but it's a moment that really can't be described without ripping out the heart of the grateful and showing it in it's fullness. Mommy moments are about one of the closest places to God I think we can get. Right there, in the midst of goodness, fear, guilt, pride, joy, anger, regret, and celebration, there is calmness that whispers..."It isn't over. The best is yet to come. Hope is your anchor, Joy will cover you, My vision will prevail, fear is your friend." Right there, in that mommy moment of all mommy moments, I know that my 16 year old who asked me if he can take a girl to homecoming isn't the end of my life, but just another beginning. See, mommy moments are about a book closing and a book opening all at the same time, I thinks that's why they are filled with so many unable to explain feelings. The end of a season (as we know it) is gone, forever; and a season (that we emotionally can't comprehend) is approaching. It's like in that moment there is a collision of mommy mistakes, mommy fears, mommy pain, mommy regrets, mommy pride, mommy fear, mommy celebrations, mommy accomplishments, mommy joys, mommy pride, and mommy reality. It's a mommy reality moment that takes us on a journey of...um I'd say about a minute... but feels like a lifetime, and has the ability to create such gratitude, such happiness, and yet such sadness...because it's change, and because we know change is always permanent. Always. So, for all you Mommy's out there who know just what I'm talking about; Soak it up. Drink it in. Breathe deep the gift. Sit for a moment and really taste the feelings....the feelings that are coming, that are swimming, that are hovering. Let yourself actually catch, hold onto, and think about the thoughts that come in your mind so fast. Change is permanent, because even when it's small, even when it's tiny, it's never the same as it was. Mommy moments are a gift from our heavenly Father, who knows all about the intense love He placed in us for our children. He created it. It's perfect. So, CHEERS to mommy moments!!! Big or small. Tear filled or laughter provoking. I can't describe the things that cause those mommy moments, because really, they are different for all of us. But one thing this emotional, lover of my children, complex woman knows is this: No matter the age of your child, no matter the circumstance of the time, no matter the intensity of the pain, no matter the height of the joys, no matter the depth of the feelings, no matter the impact of the change, no matter the regret that passes through, no matter the could-of's or should-of's that poke, no matter the heaviness of reality, no matter the pride of accomplishment, no matter the sorrow of time lost, no matter the feelings so many: a mommy moment can only be experienced by a mommy and by far is one of the greatest gifts from heaven.

Miracles

It's really just all relative. I don't mean to sound rude, but your view and judgement of the situation really means nothing to me. After all, it's my miracle, and it's my God that performed it..for ME! It's funny how we try to make everything fit in a human, easy to understand, box. One day we will all be able to see just how far away our man-made box of limitations was from reality, from how things really are. I have a little hunch that we are way off, though. We place sins in categories based on the consequences they bring. Some, are so off of the narrow path that we wonder how the guilty find their way back. Other mishaps are more popular and easier to fall into, so those, well they're not so bad since we all have them in common. But, I don't want to write about our human placement of sin categories, because frankly, I don't care what your human mind thinks of my actions. I fear the Lord. He is all I fear. No, what I can't get out of my mind is our categories of miracles. A miracle is a miracle if it's the work of our God. So, you've never been in debt. Today, I paid off one of my biggest mistakes of a credit card debt I've ever made. So, you've never been overweight. As of today, I've lost 10 lbs. You rejoice because you have been married for 18 years and have a happy successful family, and that is your miracle. Today, I said goodbye to a relationship who kept me from freedom. You walk, run, and enjoy a healthy body. Today, I chose to accept that I was born to minister from this chair. You got kisses and affection from your father growing up. You know what it feels like to sit protected in the strong arms of your protector. Not me. But today, I saw my husband hold my baby and watched a generational curse lose the battle it swore it would win. You smile, look people in the eye, and walk with a head high in confidence. Today, I introduced myself to someone for the first time. You have never known clutter, and as a busy mother with depression knocking on the door of my mind, I rejoice in the organization of one room. Today is the first day that I haven't had a drink. I was genuinely happy when someone else lived out my dream. You speak those words so simple, I finally said them. There are miracles all around us. We label them. God does not. We put miracles in a box. And because of that, we miss so many. So many pass by without us seeing them, feeling them, tasting the joy that they bring. There are no categories of miracles. They are all given by the hand of our loving Daddy who wants good things for his people. You have always believed in His goodness, and that is a miracle. But, today, for the first time, I see He is good to me. Miracles are too precious and needed in our daily lives to put them in a box and label them according to our human perspective. What is a miracle to you, is just that, a miracle. What a miracle is to me, is just that, a miracle. The lame walk, the blind see, the lost are saved!! ...and, I just chose to love and forgive someone for the first time. It's the daily, often unnoticed miracles that shape us, create us, change us, and drive us. It's the daily miracles that impact those around us. Why do we take those and place them in a box with labels? The daily ways that he reminds us of His love, His truth, His promises, and His power should never be categorized by our human minds and labeled according to our feeble opinions. Nothing God does for us, in us, through us, and because of us should be placed in a box with a label. Big or small, loud or quiet, out in the open or in the quiet of your soul, it's a miracle just the same.