Today, March 29th, 2011

Today was loud music in the car. Singing Sara, Let the Rain (see below) loud and free. Who cares who sees.

Today was picking up my daughter for lunch, a walmart run...when she was supposed to be in school. Breaking rules are fun sometimes.

Today was a long hot shower with the struggle to not splash shampoo in my cup of coffee.

Today was a fountain diet coke... from McDonald's. Because I wanted one.

Today was time with Mandy and Veronica - My soul sisters, you know, those you can be real with, and still, love and acceptance shouts past the problems we discuss.

Today was my friend reminding me how old I was...really. I'm not joking.

Today was an emotional precious phone conversation with one of my favorite people in the whole world, my Shanen.

Today was hearing my lovers voice on the phone, long distance, and missing him. Oh it's just the gift to have someone I miss so much...after just three days, and after being married 19 years.

Today was kissing the faces of the little ones I would die for goodnight. Hearing my Isabelle say she loved me "fifty million," and my Gabby say "till the end of numbers."

Today was my sixteen year old telling me about his friends... by his choice.

Today was Isaac's cheeks, in my hands.

Today is my dog curled in a ball at my feet.

Today. It was good.

Today. I am thankful.

Sara Bareilles Let The Rain Lyrics

Give Yourself Away

Refocus Sundy! Stop and just refocus! Remember Who you belong to! Remember Who is true! Move your eyes to look past the many years of traditions, the Sundays that are the same, pats on the back and impersonal smiles. Move your mouth past the songs sung robot style, the ritual response of, "I'm fine" or the fear that says, "Don't ask them that, it's none of your business." Move your ears past the judgements towards those unlike yourself, the critical finger pointing so that you can feel better about yourself, the thoughts that you know better what someone else should do, say, be....love. COME ON ALREADY! Give yourself away. And, if the people around you don't like the way you do that, how you do that, or for whom you do that. Well, really it's me that you wrestle your salvation with, there is no third person involved. What I, Sundy, want to tell you, Sundy, is this: WHATEVER YOU DO, WHERE EVER YOU ARE, PLEASE DON'T EVER FORGET THAT GIVING YOURSELF AWAY, SO THAT HE CAN USE YOU - WILL IN FACT, SET YOU FREE. Hey, little Miss Know it All - Your life is not your own...quit acting like it is.

Fading Flower

I wrote this blog on facebook a while back. After dealing with several deaths at work, I am reminded of relationships and the price we must be willing to pay for them. This is a journey for me but I am willing to start.

Just today I heard of three four-wheeler accidents that ended in the death of three teenagers, and a friend who lost an uncle. When things like this happen we are all reminded that life really is all about the relationships we form, the people God has so wonderfully privileged us to walk life with. We are not made to be alone. Even God the Father of all didn't want us to be alone. So He, in His all perfect and all powerful love, created us, created relationship. Because of His desire for companionship and connection we don't have to walk this life without each other. We don't have to settle for loneliness, emptiness, and fear. We have, for a richer life, companionship, laughter, togetherness, friendship, iron sharpening iron, heart to heart conversations, meaningful embraces. You know, those embraces that can break the dam of tears help up. When patients loved ones pass in the ER I am reminded that the little upsets in life are never worth the cost of a relationship. The wrestling through forgiveness, emotions, hurt feelings, miscommunication, opposing opinions, stubbornness, and selfishness is worth our fighting for our relationships. Waiting until death or sickness comes is too late to realize that. When I heard this father crying over his 14 year old son saying, "You can't go yet, it's not time, it's too soon, we're not done," it hit me more than ever that it's all about relationships. From the depths of this fathers heart, in agony, he was crying. He was crying from his gut because of a relationship and because of the loss of more relationship. The death of a relationship is the greatest loss of all. Our wonderful Father agrees, so He paid the ultimate price for it. I plead to my own mind and soul. I plead to you. If there is anyone in your life that you have avoided a conversation with, are angry with, have had harsh words with, or hold unforgiveness towards; take care of it today. Life ends so soon. Seeing families say goodbye, hearing the regrets in their voices and in the words they say has become this reminder: We really are like a fading flower. Pride is a powerful, destructive force that deceives us all into thinking we each have tomorrow. Pride says that it's not time to do or say the hard things. Pride tells us our feelings are deserving and just, or that it's just meant to be this way. Pride will never remind you that we are not promised tomorrow. Pride will never tell you about the joys of fulfilled relationships, or the hope restored as the ear of the mistake is made new by the voice of the wounded as it says, "I forgive you." So, if tomorrow finds us opening our eyes to the sunshine again, may we greet it with a desire for deep relationships. For more in the relationships we have. For goodness spoken, as cheesy as our human minds say it sounds. May it find wrongs made right. For the unsaid dared to be uttered by the brave, by the ones who are willing to risk and lose the pride we hold and secure so tight in our mind, in our heart. Life cannot be walked out in it's fullest measure with unforgiveness, anger, and pride. It just can't, and it won't. Funny how because we don't know what we are missing, we are just ok to let it be. We become so satisfied with the way things are. May I never be the one that is looking over the loved one lost with regrets and things unsaid. I want to live. Live strong in relationships. I don't have to be best friends with everyone, I don't have to agree with everyone, I don't have to share my heart with all. But, one thing is for certain and that is this: I don't have to allow pride to determine the outcome of my fulfilment in relationships, in a gift given by God to me. I don't have to let pride steal away the freedom felt in saying goodbye with things all said and love communicated. Like that father said while holding his 14 year old son, "we're not done, it's too soon." He was crying the loss of relationship. Today, relationships are worth the work. Today, relationships are worth the pain. Today, relationships are worth the loss of pride. Today, relationships are worth the joys. Today, celebrate your relationships. Tomorrow, it's a day that may never come. Tomorrow, it's the day that may be too late. Tomorrow may be the day of the fading flower.
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Poop or get off the Pot!

Are there things you need to say, do, create, start, develop, say, focus on, stir up, start over, or try again? We delay, procrastinate, make excuses, worry, and weight options. We take too long doing this. I think that if we are not doing anything, no matter how we phrase it, we are making a decision. What I'm trying to say, I think, is this: Not making a decision is making one. Not making a decision is saying no, is turning down the opportunity, is passing it up. This - is making a decision. So, really, you can only sit on the excuse, "we are in the middle of making a decision" for so long. Poop or get off the pot because you soon may no longer have the option. The opportunity may just pass. Things may change, they always do. As for now, you have made your choice.

I am so rambling. This word is for me and all the "need to do's in my life. I just had to blog it. Hoping I'm not the only one! :)

I ask anyway

For those of you who know me know my actions are far removed from this prayer I pray below. But that's what walking with Christ is all about, right? Wanting actions, passions, heart cries, circumstances, directions to be different - so we pray. We ask. We hope. I stand unworthy of all His help. It doesn't matter much how unworthy I am at this point. Or how unworthy I feel. He calls me His daughter so I ask anyway. I want Him to do this in me in 2011.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Start

This song reminds me of my wonderful husband of 19 years, and our relationship in a way. At least where we are right now. There is a life changing decision we made recently to move our family to Texas. What we both have been feeling about our current situation needed to be discussed, needed to be shared, needed to be heard. It was talking in times of struggle and times of uneasiness that has started our path of change, path of hearing. Just me, him, our messy bedroom and tears. Trying to make it work. Inevitable unemployment. Mad situation as we say and do things in frustration. Talking about how we can't find the time. How did we get in this mess? Is it Gods test? It's our fault. These times are hard, and we are doing our best. Someone help us, we must be alone in this. Are we? But we're gonna start by talking. We need to say things we haven't said in a while. Things like, "You are beautiful, I need you. I'm not happy here. My desires have changed. I think I am different. Do you even know me anymore? You bring me joy. You are a kill joy. I love to kiss you. Your breath stinks. You still make me laugh. That wasn't funny.You need to stop doing that. I need to stop saying that. You act different. I still love your smile." Our belly's have grown, but even more important so has our love. So has our ability to communicate that love.... even after 19 years. Like it's the first time, we need to speak of this change we want, this dream we have, this hope; that although small can create change. Though small creates more hope. Smiling with more reasons for tears. My head is high when his isn't. His compassion is strong when mine is gone. His eyes see goodness while I feel depression. Trying to make it work when it hurts. Actually making it work when it hurts, is hard. Marriage is not easy. Marriage is worth it's work, though. I will put money on that. We each change. How do I change with your change? Where do we go from a chapter closed? Getting kicked to the dirt and not taking it out on each other - is that even possible? So we need to START. Start by saying things that we haven't said in a while, like it's the first time. How did we talk so much before - you know, while we were dating? Is it possible to have those feelings again? I want to. Smiling with him, when tears represent what's evident in our life - is an amazing feeling. Laughing while you know tears are saving themselves for another day is the most fantastic trick on the human mind and it's ability to move on. Step forward. Hold hands. After 19 years - I feel like it could be the first time. Oh how these times are hard and they're making us crazy, but after 19 years I will never give up. I will promise to start by talking.

Just you and him. When the house is quiet, or when the daily noises of the home ring loud. When the moment is right, or when knocks of little fingers breaks the flow. When the bedroom is filled with piles of laundry and dirty cups at the unmade bedside. When the banking account is empty, along with the pantry. When he says things that you don't see in actions, or just when you see the wrong actions - in it all, start by talking. And when the talking turns into anger, walking out, yelling out things you don't mean, feeling rage inside, wondering if he or she will ever understand you. Stop. Stop, and then start again. Start by talking. These times are hard. And I admit - they have made me crazy at times. I won't give up. Don't give up. Start.

Freedom is not for Sale to the Highest Bidder!

Your strengths don't give you the power to extend less grace. Your ability to stand firm, walk straight, deny desires, and hold tight doesn't give you the green light to look down, puff up, and speak death. Why does the church do this? Why do we take our abilities, our victories, our lack of shame and allow it to lead us to "point-the-finger-ville?" I don't get it. God, right now, at this time - change me. Make me a person who can walk upright in an area while embracing those who do not. Help me to know the difference between grace and pity. May I never use my victories, my strengths, and my passions as a moral compass for everyone else, as if I know what you desire to do, to change, to create in their lives. How dare I take what you have done in me and use it as a way to feel better about myself, or a way to shame others. Sometimes the church really scares me. We want to focus on things He doesn't want us to focus on. We want to draw the lines in the sand at the wrong places, while we push people away, erase any hope they have, send them running. The scary thing is - we do this with smiles on our faces while breaking our arm as we pat our own back. OH GOD, I want to be IN the world. I want to LOVE the world. I want to know what it means to live for others, loving those around me... when it's hard, when this world says it's impossible. When the pointing fingers of the church throw water on a fire almost started as they hold me back because of things unknown, preconceived ideas, or just their fear. I want to love the person in front of me, not because they are like me, but because HE loves them. Freedom for the one you judge is not about you. FREEDOM IS NOT FOR SALE TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER!!!! Freedom is free. It is for freedom that He set us free. That's it...like it or not. I want to love bigger, love for freedoms sake. Not because I am better, smarter, and not even because I love God, but because You, our perfect Daddy did that...for all. For everyone. For everyone. I want to know in my gut that your grace is either for the murderers, the haters, the terrorist, the bigots, the deadbeat dads, the drunken mothers, and the cheaters just as much as it is for the religious, the churched, and the middle class with morals. Either His grace is that big, or it isn't.

boom boom boom YOU'RE even brighter than the moon moon moon

When it's truth, it's truth. No matter who sings it! My family knows that I'm not a big fan of Katy Perry, but I love this song! I love the message that it shouts! I love the fact that these words of hope, empowerment, and second chances didn't originate with her or any of us for that matter. Yet, these words of hope, empowerment, second chances, dreaming big, and starting fresh came from our Father who lives IN us and who loves us. So YES, today I am laughing at myself by doing what will make some people roll their beautiful little eyes at me: I am taking a Katy Perry song and making it a message from God to us. Well, because the words and the truth that rings out in this song, about you and about me, is a message from God and originates from God! Read Below.

In the same way, let your light SHINE before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matt 5:16

You are the LIGHT of the world. A CITY ON A HILL cannot be hidden. Matt 5:14

...in which you SHINE like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life. Phil 2:15

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness SHINE like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday SUN. Psalm 37:5

May God be gracious to us and bless us and make His face SHINE upon us. Psalm 67:1

Arise, SHINE. Isaiah 60:1

The LIGHT of the righteous SHINES BRIGHTLY. Prov 13:9

No one LIGHTS a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. Luke 8:16

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Cor 4:7&16

Hope you enjoy the song like Gabby, Isabelle, and I do. Now, if you will excuse me, my girls and I have a bed to dance on, a volume button to turn up, and a hairbrush to use as a microphone. "BOOM BOOM BOOM EVEN BRIGHTER THAN THE MOON MOON MOON!"