Start

This song reminds me of my wonderful husband of 19 years, and our relationship in a way. At least where we are right now. There is a life changing decision we made recently to move our family to Texas. What we both have been feeling about our current situation needed to be discussed, needed to be shared, needed to be heard. It was talking in times of struggle and times of uneasiness that has started our path of change, path of hearing. Just me, him, our messy bedroom and tears. Trying to make it work. Inevitable unemployment. Mad situation as we say and do things in frustration. Talking about how we can't find the time. How did we get in this mess? Is it Gods test? It's our fault. These times are hard, and we are doing our best. Someone help us, we must be alone in this. Are we? But we're gonna start by talking. We need to say things we haven't said in a while. Things like, "You are beautiful, I need you. I'm not happy here. My desires have changed. I think I am different. Do you even know me anymore? You bring me joy. You are a kill joy. I love to kiss you. Your breath stinks. You still make me laugh. That wasn't funny.You need to stop doing that. I need to stop saying that. You act different. I still love your smile." Our belly's have grown, but even more important so has our love. So has our ability to communicate that love.... even after 19 years. Like it's the first time, we need to speak of this change we want, this dream we have, this hope; that although small can create change. Though small creates more hope. Smiling with more reasons for tears. My head is high when his isn't. His compassion is strong when mine is gone. His eyes see goodness while I feel depression. Trying to make it work when it hurts. Actually making it work when it hurts, is hard. Marriage is not easy. Marriage is worth it's work, though. I will put money on that. We each change. How do I change with your change? Where do we go from a chapter closed? Getting kicked to the dirt and not taking it out on each other - is that even possible? So we need to START. Start by saying things that we haven't said in a while, like it's the first time. How did we talk so much before - you know, while we were dating? Is it possible to have those feelings again? I want to. Smiling with him, when tears represent what's evident in our life - is an amazing feeling. Laughing while you know tears are saving themselves for another day is the most fantastic trick on the human mind and it's ability to move on. Step forward. Hold hands. After 19 years - I feel like it could be the first time. Oh how these times are hard and they're making us crazy, but after 19 years I will never give up. I will promise to start by talking.

Just you and him. When the house is quiet, or when the daily noises of the home ring loud. When the moment is right, or when knocks of little fingers breaks the flow. When the bedroom is filled with piles of laundry and dirty cups at the unmade bedside. When the banking account is empty, along with the pantry. When he says things that you don't see in actions, or just when you see the wrong actions - in it all, start by talking. And when the talking turns into anger, walking out, yelling out things you don't mean, feeling rage inside, wondering if he or she will ever understand you. Stop. Stop, and then start again. Start by talking. These times are hard. And I admit - they have made me crazy at times. I won't give up. Don't give up. Start.

Freedom is not for Sale to the Highest Bidder!

Your strengths don't give you the power to extend less grace. Your ability to stand firm, walk straight, deny desires, and hold tight doesn't give you the green light to look down, puff up, and speak death. Why does the church do this? Why do we take our abilities, our victories, our lack of shame and allow it to lead us to "point-the-finger-ville?" I don't get it. God, right now, at this time - change me. Make me a person who can walk upright in an area while embracing those who do not. Help me to know the difference between grace and pity. May I never use my victories, my strengths, and my passions as a moral compass for everyone else, as if I know what you desire to do, to change, to create in their lives. How dare I take what you have done in me and use it as a way to feel better about myself, or a way to shame others. Sometimes the church really scares me. We want to focus on things He doesn't want us to focus on. We want to draw the lines in the sand at the wrong places, while we push people away, erase any hope they have, send them running. The scary thing is - we do this with smiles on our faces while breaking our arm as we pat our own back. OH GOD, I want to be IN the world. I want to LOVE the world. I want to know what it means to live for others, loving those around me... when it's hard, when this world says it's impossible. When the pointing fingers of the church throw water on a fire almost started as they hold me back because of things unknown, preconceived ideas, or just their fear. I want to love the person in front of me, not because they are like me, but because HE loves them. Freedom for the one you judge is not about you. FREEDOM IS NOT FOR SALE TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER!!!! Freedom is free. It is for freedom that He set us free. That's it...like it or not. I want to love bigger, love for freedoms sake. Not because I am better, smarter, and not even because I love God, but because You, our perfect Daddy did that...for all. For everyone. For everyone. I want to know in my gut that your grace is either for the murderers, the haters, the terrorist, the bigots, the deadbeat dads, the drunken mothers, and the cheaters just as much as it is for the religious, the churched, and the middle class with morals. Either His grace is that big, or it isn't.

boom boom boom YOU'RE even brighter than the moon moon moon

When it's truth, it's truth. No matter who sings it! My family knows that I'm not a big fan of Katy Perry, but I love this song! I love the message that it shouts! I love the fact that these words of hope, empowerment, and second chances didn't originate with her or any of us for that matter. Yet, these words of hope, empowerment, second chances, dreaming big, and starting fresh came from our Father who lives IN us and who loves us. So YES, today I am laughing at myself by doing what will make some people roll their beautiful little eyes at me: I am taking a Katy Perry song and making it a message from God to us. Well, because the words and the truth that rings out in this song, about you and about me, is a message from God and originates from God! Read Below.

In the same way, let your light SHINE before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matt 5:16

You are the LIGHT of the world. A CITY ON A HILL cannot be hidden. Matt 5:14

...in which you SHINE like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life. Phil 2:15

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness SHINE like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday SUN. Psalm 37:5

May God be gracious to us and bless us and make His face SHINE upon us. Psalm 67:1

Arise, SHINE. Isaiah 60:1

The LIGHT of the righteous SHINES BRIGHTLY. Prov 13:9

No one LIGHTS a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. Luke 8:16

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Cor 4:7&16

Hope you enjoy the song like Gabby, Isabelle, and I do. Now, if you will excuse me, my girls and I have a bed to dance on, a volume button to turn up, and a hairbrush to use as a microphone. "BOOM BOOM BOOM EVEN BRIGHTER THAN THE MOON MOON MOON!"

Let it Change You.

The Lord is gracious, and slow to anger, abounding in love,
He is good to all.

Say that over and over. Let it change you.

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The Secret

It really isn't hard. You ask how to grow them up in me, for me, that they may not depart from me when they are older? You ask this day, and this is what I say:

"Teach them to cry out. Teach them to listen. Teach them to hear. When you teach them my presence, my presence becomes their own. My presence becomes their desire, their need. Their living water. My presence becomes what they can't do without. And when they can't do without my presence, they can't live without me. Teach them to hear and they will live with me. When they taste, they will see I am good. Offer to them what I say taste good; my presence."

It can never be taken away from them. Ever.

He Waits for the Perfect Timing

I love that He waits for the perfect timing. I love that He knows better when the road should curve and when the potholes will stop us..for a while. Just a while. Long enough for us to understand for a moment that He waits for the perfect timing. I love that a word in season isn't determined by the speaker of that word, yet it is being held in the hand of the Lover of our Souls until the magical words of mystery and life are able to do the full work in the passions of the receiver. And at that moment, and because of that moment, the receiver knows, He waits for the perfect timing. I love that when our human minds argue that we have been forgotten, time moves us on, our vision becomes clear, and then we see it, we know it, He waits for the perfect timing. I love that when life has worn me out and my everyday looks like the one before, I cry out and something happens. It may not be that day, but someday in a moment created by Him, newness becomes alive and living and it rushes into my being making hope almost tangible. And when hope becomes tangible, we know, He waits for the perfect timing. I love that sadness doesn't destroy me. It doesn't destroy me because in my grief his presence lifts me up to a place of relationship, of friendship that seems to always come. It comes when my heart is open, ready to be vulnerable, ready to be changed. And because readiness is determined by the one who loves us most, I know, He waits for the perfect timing. He knows the journey. He knows the struggles. He knows the tricks that sway us off coarse. He knows the potholes, the bumps, the obstacles. He knows. He sees. He has not forgotten me. He has not written me off. He doesn't draw a line in the sand and say, "this far is too far." He waits for the perfect timing. There is one thing that you and I can be certain of and that is this: For you, right now, in your thoughts, in your circumstances, in your doubts, fears, failures, and do overs, He waits for the perfect timing. I don't know when that perfect timing is, you don't know when that perfect timing is, no one does. In this struggle you are in, in the questions yet unanswered you will know soon enough that, He waits for the perfect timing. So trust. Ask Him how to trust. Ask Him how to wait. Ask Him how to believe, because His timing is never late, never early, never wrong. His timing is perfect. His timing will be like a glass of cold water for the thirsty, like rays of sunshine for the chilled, like a soft glow of light for the one surrounded in darkness. So hold on. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. His perfect timing is on the way. On the way to do a perfect thing.

Mommy Moments: All That Just Because He Asked a Girl to Homecoming

So I don't know what to say, what to think. I have this heavy feeling that sits on my chest like a ton of bricks that is light, but heavy enough to squeeze out the tears. If I could label the tears I would, but these tears are hard to describe. To be completely honest, they aren't happy tears, but they really aren't sad tears either. These tears fall as a mixture of feelings hover over my mind and swim briskly through my heart. And, as they hover and swim - I choose to grab a few, reach for some, and place them there, by my choice, in my head, and in my heart. These thoughts, these feelings; they are real, they are emotion provoking, and they are destiny. Some of these thoughts take me down a narrow pebble path that leads to depression, to regrets, to self reflections engulfed in guilt over the smallest things possible. Guilt over things as small as the pebbles under my tired feet but have the power to provoke such emotion, such regret, such... i don't even know. And then in the middle of pebbles becoming rocks of guilt is born a pride, a sense of real accomplishment, a joy that is so real and intense that a smile does it no good. Smiling while crying. Silent tears streaming down the face of a heart that is yelling. It's like a sunny perfect day and a rainy stormy day - all at the same time. I can feel it. It is here. I'm not going to let my mind break the thought and move me on. I choose to feel it. I choose to see it. I choose to open this gift, this moment. I choose to run into this intense, emotion provoking, powerful feeling of CHANGE. I like change. I do. I don't run from change, usually. But today, change is my enemy, change is my friend, change is my dreamer, change is my guilt, change is the provoker, change is the avenue into this heart so filled with bitter sweet feelings. There are so many mixed confusing opposite feelings colliding. Then it hits me. Right here, right now, I realize what's going on: I'm having a mommy moment. It's a moment that only mommies can truly understand. It's a moment that happens to all of us mothers and we usually have no idea how to describe the delicate, yet powerful, complex yet simple feelings that accompany these moments. Some of these moments are bigger, more emotional than others. Like when your 16 year old wants to ask a girl to homecoming and all you can see right there in that moment is his little head popping out of the crib with eyes of adoration for his beautiful worshipped mother. Some are smaller to the eye, but bigger in the unseen world of reality. Like when your 7 year old son gets a joke you thought he was too young to understand. Or maybe when your daughter knows you are sad so she sits on your lap, and in the sweetness of that 4 year old caressing your hair - you know she understands pain, and life, and reality. You know at that moment she is processing that life isn't about being easy, but more about being loved. Or when your 10 year old, out of the blue, says, " thank you for dinner" and at that moment you no longer resent the many hours in the kitchen, because someone you would die for noticed your labor was not in vain. Or when the picture they CHOOSE to draw at school is their family and place they call home. In that picture you see their security, their whole life, their anchor, and becaue of that - you know you can and will endure another hard day at work. It's a moment in a mommy's life that can come at anytime really, at any age of your child's journey, but it's a moment that really can't be described without ripping out the heart of the grateful and showing it in it's fullness. Mommy moments are about one of the closest places to God I think we can get. Right there, in the midst of goodness, fear, guilt, pride, joy, anger, regret, and celebration, there is calmness that whispers..."It isn't over. The best is yet to come. Hope is your anchor, Joy will cover you, My vision will prevail, fear is your friend." Right there, in that mommy moment of all mommy moments, I know that my 16 year old who asked me if he can take a girl to homecoming isn't the end of my life, but just another beginning. See, mommy moments are about a book closing and a book opening all at the same time, I thinks that's why they are filled with so many unable to explain feelings. The end of a season (as we know it) is gone, forever; and a season (that we emotionally can't comprehend) is approaching. It's like in that moment there is a collision of mommy mistakes, mommy fears, mommy pain, mommy regrets, mommy pride, mommy fear, mommy celebrations, mommy accomplishments, mommy joys, mommy pride, and mommy reality. It's a mommy reality moment that takes us on a journey of...um I'd say about a minute... but feels like a lifetime, and has the ability to create such gratitude, such happiness, and yet such sadness...because it's change, and because we know change is always permanent. Always. So, for all you Mommy's out there who know just what I'm talking about; Soak it up. Drink it in. Breathe deep the gift. Sit for a moment and really taste the feelings....the feelings that are coming, that are swimming, that are hovering. Let yourself actually catch, hold onto, and think about the thoughts that come in your mind so fast. Change is permanent, because even when it's small, even when it's tiny, it's never the same as it was. Mommy moments are a gift from our heavenly Father, who knows all about the intense love He placed in us for our children. He created it. It's perfect. So, CHEERS to mommy moments!!! Big or small. Tear filled or laughter provoking. I can't describe the things that cause those mommy moments, because really, they are different for all of us. But one thing this emotional, lover of my children, complex woman knows is this: No matter the age of your child, no matter the circumstance of the time, no matter the intensity of the pain, no matter the height of the joys, no matter the depth of the feelings, no matter the impact of the change, no matter the regret that passes through, no matter the could-of's or should-of's that poke, no matter the heaviness of reality, no matter the pride of accomplishment, no matter the sorrow of time lost, no matter the feelings so many: a mommy moment can only be experienced by a mommy and by far is one of the greatest gifts from heaven.

Miracles

It's really just all relative. I don't mean to sound rude, but your view and judgement of the situation really means nothing to me. After all, it's my miracle, and it's my God that performed it..for ME! It's funny how we try to make everything fit in a human, easy to understand, box. One day we will all be able to see just how far away our man-made box of limitations was from reality, from how things really are. I have a little hunch that we are way off, though. We place sins in categories based on the consequences they bring. Some, are so off of the narrow path that we wonder how the guilty find their way back. Other mishaps are more popular and easier to fall into, so those, well they're not so bad since we all have them in common. But, I don't want to write about our human placement of sin categories, because frankly, I don't care what your human mind thinks of my actions. I fear the Lord. He is all I fear. No, what I can't get out of my mind is our categories of miracles. A miracle is a miracle if it's the work of our God. So, you've never been in debt. Today, I paid off one of my biggest mistakes of a credit card debt I've ever made. So, you've never been overweight. As of today, I've lost 10 lbs. You rejoice because you have been married for 18 years and have a happy successful family, and that is your miracle. Today, I said goodbye to a relationship who kept me from freedom. You walk, run, and enjoy a healthy body. Today, I chose to accept that I was born to minister from this chair. You got kisses and affection from your father growing up. You know what it feels like to sit protected in the strong arms of your protector. Not me. But today, I saw my husband hold my baby and watched a generational curse lose the battle it swore it would win. You smile, look people in the eye, and walk with a head high in confidence. Today, I introduced myself to someone for the first time. You have never known clutter, and as a busy mother with depression knocking on the door of my mind, I rejoice in the organization of one room. Today is the first day that I haven't had a drink. I was genuinely happy when someone else lived out my dream. You speak those words so simple, I finally said them. There are miracles all around us. We label them. God does not. We put miracles in a box. And because of that, we miss so many. So many pass by without us seeing them, feeling them, tasting the joy that they bring. There are no categories of miracles. They are all given by the hand of our loving Daddy who wants good things for his people. You have always believed in His goodness, and that is a miracle. But, today, for the first time, I see He is good to me. Miracles are too precious and needed in our daily lives to put them in a box and label them according to our human perspective. What is a miracle to you, is just that, a miracle. What a miracle is to me, is just that, a miracle. The lame walk, the blind see, the lost are saved!! ...and, I just chose to love and forgive someone for the first time. It's the daily, often unnoticed miracles that shape us, create us, change us, and drive us. It's the daily miracles that impact those around us. Why do we take those and place them in a box with labels? The daily ways that he reminds us of His love, His truth, His promises, and His power should never be categorized by our human minds and labeled according to our feeble opinions. Nothing God does for us, in us, through us, and because of us should be placed in a box with a label. Big or small, loud or quiet, out in the open or in the quiet of your soul, it's a miracle just the same.

Today

OK! That's it! I'm sick of letting this powerful force of goodness deferred get the best of my days that are passing faster than I can blink! What is this thing that comes like a thief, taking time away from me, taking joy away from me, taking truth away from me? What is this thing that always knows the right times to dig it's sharp, fierce, always wanting destruction claws into my dreams, into my future, into my truth? Why does this ever present, ever lying, ever hopeless cycle always rear it's ugly head just when the weakness in me starts to gain ground? How does this powerful unseen force know when weariness has taken me to the end and when I am ready to settle, yet once again? How can this voice I hear speak louder than hope, louder than my dreams, louder than what I know to be true, louder than past experiences, louder than WHAT I WANT IN LIFE?? HOW?? Who created this enemy that desires to tear down what I have been building all my life? How can I not see what it does, who it is, why it strikes, and the good it keeps from me? And not to mention the constant pain it brings over and over and over again.... Why do I allow it's lies to take me back to the starting line when I am almost done with the race? Who informs this force when to strike, when to advance, when to destroy. How does it pick the right weapon, the right scene, the right allies, the right words EVERY TIME?? How? You disguise yourself as funny. You play the part well; making us think it's just an evil mask you put on for the show, when all the while, evil consumes you on the inside. You convince us to joke, to wave you off as harmless, as unable, as small. We all agree and laugh finding comfort in the fact that we all have relationship with you. We have all joined hands with your destructive ways. We have all believed your lies that whisper the hard truths into our ears as our dreams melt away...again, and again, and again.....Why are you here again? Why are you always lurking behind every spark of hope that gives me vision? Why are you counting the seconds to my weakest thought, weakest feeling, weakest moment and then saying just the right lies to make me give up, lose the dream, believe in my inadequacies? How do you know the odds that are stacked against me so well? Why do I hold your hand and lead you into my thoughts of fear? You are not my friend. I have to stop believing your lies. I have to stop allowing you to take me so far...just far enough to smell victory, smell my dreams, smell my truths...but never taste them. I have to stop you! This is not fun and games for you. You have a plan. You have a goal. You have a purpose. Your purpose is to keep me from my truth. Your desire is to keep me from fully being me! So, PROCRASTINATION, I call you into the ring! I must settle this score once and for all. This long fight, between you and me, is over...today.