The World Around Me a Little Bit Different

I never really understood why I give up. If I am meant to create a thing, be a part of something bigger, rise above my numbness, tread not-so-tenderly through the pain, run fast with my eyes closed past the tempting, yell without reserve in joyfulness, whisper words that come to life, reshape a human heart with my kindness, change your focus with my accomplishments, allow my prayers to make your dead places breathe again, fill the open endings with my own song, dance while others stand, and then watch them dance tomorrow, allow this open book to defeat the lies that want to hide, focus to accomplish so that victory is tasted, feel the greatness of a knee bowed accompanied by tears of surrender...again...and again...and still...all the while it feeling like the first time. I never really understood why I give up. If I am meant to fly over the impossible, bring my light to your darkness, place a band-aid on your pain, and then rip it off with laughter because you are healed. If I am meant to smile at you across the room, change your path, just today, to the narrow one, stand in the shadow, just the shadow of something great...I never really understood why I give up. When I have so much to give, to bring, to do, to change, to hope for, to reshape, to taste, to see, to feel, to believe in, to sing about, ....I never really understood why I give up. The only thing that stops me is me, the limits that take residence in my thoughts, my untruth, my truth, the last time i tried this, the power I give your words, my fears, my walls, my barricades, my past failures, my small thoughts, small dreams, small everything. It's all so small, yet so big, so defeating, so powerful, so empty, so limiting, so closed minded, so rooted in shame, rooted in blindness, so wrapped in a bubble of a generational "can't do thinking." It seems so clear to me now ...but I give up, I'm starting to understood why I give up. If I am meant to be at the end with no regrets, with souls that follow, with nothing unsaid, with peace passing understanding, with my arms tired from the toil that brought a harvest, with wrinkles of pride, with relationships that make my heart forever satisfied, with sins covered in a bright red stain, with mistakes made right, with the ability to change being my everyday song, with kindness as my countenance....with kindness as my countenance and the world around me a little bit different because I lived in it...I never really understood why I give up.

his mercy reigns and his mercy RAINS

Today I stand in the hot, hot, lack of breeze, what feels like 100 degrees, sun at an outside gathering of churches and think..."How can we do this?" How do we, people who are truly passionate about God and who He is in our daily life, be a light to this world? It's not even, "How do we save them, or how do we get them to agree with us..." My hearts cry, as I raise high my hands to the open sky is this: How do we be a light, a hope, an answer?" As I stand there I am thinking of all my friends so dear. I am reminded of the lives of those around me that don't know the mercy side of God. So many people don't know the mercy side of God. They know the greatness, they know the rules, they know the pretty and not so pretty picture His church tries to paint, but they don't know the mercy. They have never opened the door just a crack to see it. They have never moved in to listen to its whisper. They have never let its great shield be their protector. They have never allowed its rock to be their shelter. As I stand before the open sky today, I am reminded once again that being a light is being a light in the darkness. We, the church, have to go to the darkness. We have to go to them. If we are not strong enough to go to them, we are not strong. We shout, "His mercy reigns" from our churches, from our home groups, from our gatherings...and yes, that is glorious! Right in the middle of the gathering a storm blew in, unaware and without warning a heavy rain shower began to fall, and fall, and fall. So, I began to think... His mercy also RAINS...it rains when they, the lost, are dry. It rains when they are hot, and weak, and have no strength to go on. It rains when they are in need of a drink of water because what once brought life and newness, now is bringing weariness and death. His mercy rains where THEY are. In their hard places, broken places, messed up relationships, confused theology, and carefree insanity. Do we, the church, believe it can rain in their places? You see, it's not always about His mercy reigning in our midst, like us believers like it to be. It's about His mercy RAINING, and raining on THEM in their places. Do we decide who gets the mercy rain? Do we, the broken, hurting, screwed up, selfish, judgemental, and close-minded people get to decide who we allow His mercy to rain on today? Do we get to control who gets to feel the benefits of a mercy rain making all things new? Do we get to manipulate the faucet to hot, cold, on and off? NO WE DON'T!! ....but we try. And for that, in this open sky, I am sad. I want the church... and me, to truly understand that we don't get to decide who gets the mercy rain and when. We don't get to control that! We don't get to be around the lost and wonder their fate. We don't get to choose to hold back. So, today as you think of those in your life who have never felt His raindrops of mercy, know this: He is calling you to take them by the hand and drag them out into the hot sticky sun and stand there. Stand there and wait. Hold them tight through the dryness, the suffocating feeling of heat, and the thirst. Hold them there....lift up your hands to the sky and hold them there, because the mercy RAIN is coming. It's coming because you, the one who loves Him, has been in the heat, has been through the dryness, has felt their thirst, with them. I want to stand in the mercy rain with someone who has never felt it before. I want to see their hands lifted high in the heat, believing in the unseen...and then feeling the unseen hit their life like a sudden rain shower in a dry and thirsty, hot and cracked, dessert of a life. To see this we must no longer be motivated by fear and think we get to control who gets the mercy RAIN. His mercy wants to rain on them all. He chooses, not us. So, today, I run to the darkness. I run to the lost. I risk the judgments of the religious. I risk the comfort of my box. I risk the looks of the afraid and I run into the heat, with another.. and I stand there, no matter how long it takes, I stand there. I stand there and I wait....because it's there, in the heat of the day, in that last moment of desperation that me, together with another, will feel His mercy RAIN. And now, standing there, one more person is ready, ready for the heat again.

Depression

When you are happy, but sadness fills my soul, I will lift up my eyes. As you rejoice in a place of comfort and I haven't felt the warmth of the sun, I will lift up my eyes. When my path, not yours, takes a painful turn I didn't expect, I will lift up my eyes. When you sit and smile at the future, but I can't see past today, I will lift up my eyes. The loneliness in my head screams louder than your room of relationships, so I will lift up my eyes. A heart of steadfastness I cannot find. So as you raise your hands high at the finish line, I will lift up my eyes. While your peace is like a river, my thoughts are like a storm; violent, unforgiving, and with a dangerous goal, so I will lift up my eyes. Confidence is the lifter of your head, and my shame drags me lower, and then lower still, so I have to, I have to lift up my eyes. A harvest you see, and I am glad for that, but for me, my hands are too tired to till the ground, so I will lift up my eyes. You can see and hear the fans. They are screaming words of strength and encouragement along your way. I see my sidelines. There are disappointed fingers, pointing, wondering where I am going as I lose my way, so I will lift up my eyes. You sing loud your songs of freedom, all the while I hear the clanging of these chains that grip so tight, holding my dreams down, far down, so I will lift up my eyes. Motivation and money hunt you down and find its funnel in you. Motivation and money hide from me, knowing this vessel is damaged, no good for abundance, so I will lift up my eyes. You see life through colors so glorious. I see those colors too, but I can't get to them, I can't touch them. I just want to touch them. Oh how I want to feel them, but I'm scared. I'm scared to look at life through bright colors, I fear disappointment will bring it's promise to shatter, it's promise to grow, it's promise to change me, so I will lift my eyes. Bravery is your power while fear is my whisperer; telling of the limits, the limits you don't see, you don't hear, so I will lift up my eyes. You dance on darkness and tear down it's agenda, while I taste it's plans for me, agree to it's plans for me... everyday, so I will lift up my eyes. In the middle of depression so real, so evident, so here, I will lift up my eyes. I will lift up my eyes. For where does my help come from? Where is my help found? In the middle of torture that lords from within where is my helper, where is my friend? I cry out ,where is my help? ...and then I hear it. I hear the words that are spoken to my heavy soul, and to the heavy souls of many. I hear these twelve words and I am made new, maybe not at once, but it starts. The newness starts when the small seed of redemption shouts louder than my depression. This redemption shouts, "My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." ...and so I say it, until I believe it.

God is Able! Thanks Shanen!

My daughter Shanen is OH SO WISE! Read her blog and be encouraged!

http://your-sweet-spot.blogspot.com/2010/05/god-is-able.html

His Mercies Don't Remember

His mercies are new every morning! They don't carry over from the day before. They don't run out when the limit has been reached. They don't worry about coming too soon; you know, too close from the last obvious mercy delivery. They don't wait for just the right time, or show up late apologizing. They don't skip a day, skip a season, or skip a person based on the circumstances involved. His mercies don't think ahead of time and schedule it's debut. They don't hold back and gain strength for the "important things." They don't think, "You know, if I give today, I may have to hold back tomorrow." And, although I may feel like the Sundy category is all used up in the mercy department...well, they don't remember. His mercies don't remember the day before. His mercies will never remember the days before. So, go ahead, keep your counts of grace. Let your brain number His good deeds towards you. Let your heart try to measure His great love that frees you. Allow your soul to remember His promises revealed. But, as for His mercies; they don't remember. They don't remember because they are NEW every morning. When something is new it is at that moment in it's most powerful form. It's able to do and be all it was created to do and be. It's new. Unused. Untouched. Full strength. New strength. When something is new it's like it never was. It's new! So, reason away His mercy all you want. It won't work, it can't work. They don't remember, they are new every morning. Hey, I didn't say it, He did!

The Beach Scene & The War Zone

We have to believe people can change, we just have to. We are going against everything that hope stands for when we believe that people are who they are and there is no way they can change. Where is the joy in life, really, if we think we are all just stuck. I have heard a lot of people in my lifetime say,"People don't change, in their core, they are who they are." What a lie! The lie exposed is this: I want to believe I can change and choose to not extend that same grace, that same hope to someone else. In the core of who we are, we have to believe that people can change. It's a tricky mixed bag though...because in the middle of knowing they can change we have to learn to love them with a love that looks past the "stuck" part. I have some stuck parts! The stuck parts of our lives are hard to deal with, don't ya think? It's like on one side of your brain you have this beach scene: breeze blowing, perfect temperature, relaxing in the sun... Then, on the other side there is disorganization: guns firing, thunder, lighting, storms everywhere, and just over all chaos. The stuck parts are also hard because that's what others see so often. We try to throw our beach out there, but without fail, the stuck side shows itself, and it always will. So here I am, admitting to be stuck in some areas of my life. In realizing that I am stuck I must realize others are too. The tricky part comes with the dreaded PRIDE word. You see, the tricky part comes when our friends and family's stuck parts are different than our own. The place in this journey where we think people can't change is when they are dealing with something, or are "stuck" in something, that we don't understand or don't struggle with ourselves. You see extending grace for someone should not be based upon the place they are stuck at. Believing in what hope stands for doesn't only have it's power in certain circumstances. You see, with hope it's black or white. Here is how it is; either you believe people can change or you don't. Either you believe your stuck places are like their stuck places, or not. There are no categories of sin in the eyes of God. A heart that loves himself more, just simply loves himself more. A stuck place in you is like a stuck place in me. One thing is for sure, I'm working hard on what surrendering those stuck places look like. I know in my heart that I can be unstuck. So with an unwavering hope I believe I can change. With an unwavering hope, I need to believe you can change, even if your beach scene is my war zone and your war zone is my beach scene. It's called hope people, and it's for EVERYONE!

"Falling Slowly" - Hope in Song Form!

"Take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you make it now." I love this song, it just touches me. It's hope all wrapped up in song form. It's a song of hope, because even when a boat is sinking, it can point towards home. Anyone can change and things can always get better. "You have suffered enough and warred with yourself, it's time that you won."

Gently Lean In

You gotta gently lean into the feelings...

What good does it do to walk away, shove them down, or ignore their existence? You gotta gently lean into the reality of what you are feeling at the important moments in your life. Rushing in and falling victim to the damage those feelings bring is never good, and frankly only leads to hurting others. Walking away just subjects our hearts to hardness, hardness that only gets harder the further we walk away. Shoving them down is like filling our mind and soul with explosives that sit, waiting for the fire, the match, the one flicker that will make it all blow...and we all know it will blow, it has to. All it takes is the right ingredients at the right time, and there it is, for all to see - years of shoving it down all in one explosion. Ignoring it is an option that is just a fantasy because really, if it touches us or changes us it is humanly impossible to ignore it - God didn't make us that way. Jesus was perfect, and even He couldn't ignore what moved Him, changed Him, redirected Him. Even He chose to gently lean into the feelings. He didn't rush in and hurt those around Him, looking for blame. He didn't ignore it or shove it down or even walk away. He gently leaned into His pain and the pain of others. Gently leaning into the pain we cause, feel, and experience isn't being a coward, it's choosing life, it's choosing freedom. You see, gently leaning in helps us to deal appropriately in a crisis, in a time of need, during intense feelings. It allows us to make the most out of an important moment when actions hold power, so much power. When actions have the ability to steal away what we need most, each other. Leaning in gently is allowing wisdom to be your leader as it demands that pride, selfish ambitions, and the ability to damage someone sit in the back seat. Gently leaning into the feelings is allowing good to rise up. It's allowing good to rise up in great times, and in hard times. Gently leaning into the feelings is powerful, being of strong mind, having self control, and loving others more than yourself. So, my friend, when you want to rush in, slow down. When you want to ignore the feelings, at that moment expose the lie that you even have the ability to do that. When you want to shove it down, remember what having a peace of mind and heart taste like. When you want to walk away, remember you and the person involved, and know, remind yourself, right there, in that moment that relationships are eternal and is more important then doing what is easier to do. Because really, as easy as leaning in sounds, it's one of the hardest things we can do. Coping, being in touch with the truth, going to those places that hurt so bad is difficult. That's why we need therapist and doctors to help take us there. Leaning into your feelings is brave. It's right. It's needed more, in you and in me. Rushing in, waking away, shoving it down, or thinking you can ignore it is like inviting a cancer to live deep inside us and destroy us, change us. It's allowing that cancer to bring death to who we are, who we were created to be. It's allowing that cancer to kill us slowly. The effects of not gently leaning is passed down, down to the children we love. We don't choose for it to be passed down, but if we live in it, they live in it. If we do all but gently lean in, the reality of it is, they will too. So, be free today to lean in. Lean into your feelings, good or bad, with boldness and compassion, with intensity and purpose, with intentions and peace. Lean into your feelings and know that in leaning in we take back what was stolen, we taste victory where defeat once lorded over us, we see the light of hope where despair has blinded us. When we lean in we are healthy in body, mind, and spirit. When we lean in we are choosing freedom for ourselves and for the generations to come. We get to be free, free from bitterness, unforgiveness, shame, the past, the words spoken over us, to us and about us. We get to be free from mistakes, pain so heavy that it brings physical sickness. We get to be free... and I believe it starts with just gently leaning in.

The Now

What Will Never Be Again is Happening Now!
I am sitting at Buffalo Wild Wings waiting on a friend after driving down the street that connects my nursing school and all the restaurants we hung out at. Memories are both happy and sad, don't ya think? They are happy because, well, you had the experiences, the relationships, the laughter, and the talks. They are sad because a season is over and those days, like they were, like you were, will never return again. Things change, circumstances change, seasons change, and people change. I think it's so awesome how some of your dearest friends are people you didn't even know a few years back. That's so exciting because that means there are more to come; relationships that is. It's awesome how time, life's experiences and choices place people together, relationships together, and life's joyous moments together. I guess what I am thinking is to be learned while in this reminiscing state of mind is this: Soak up every moment, with every person, every time you are with them. Whether it be your husband, wife, children, mom, dad, sister, brother, friend, classmate, coworker, grandparent, or even times alone, enjoy the nows in your life. Always looking ahead, always dreaming of what could be, what may be, or what you want it to be, takes away from the NOW and the priceless joy and satisfaction of what will never be again. What will never be again is happening now. Dear mother of a newborn: What will never be again, is happening now. Right now, this child will let you rock him to sleep in the quiet of the sleepless night. Dear father of four: Right now your kids play in the living room without hiding any part of their personality from you. They are just there, to be with you, trusting you. Dear young adult: Right now you have a choice, so many choices, that will lead you to your destiny. Right now is a new start, just you and your dreams. Dear newlyweds: Right now you have the love of your life to yourself to learn more about what makes them live strong, and what brings fear. Dear elderly woman: Right now, you hold wisdom, knowledge, and words of direction for those lost along their way. You have seen so much pain and joy, we can learn from you. So friends, lift up your head, breathe deep, and soak it in. Ask God to not let a moment escape you. This world and all it throws at us is moving so fast. One season is sure to be the next before we know it. Be in the moment. Desire to be where you are. Allow yourself to notice, be fully engaged, and soak in the people, the smiles, the funny moments, the intense feelings, and the original mishaps. Allow yourself to fully enjoy what lies in this moment, in the right now; because, what will never be again is happening now, and I want to remember every part of it.

God's Goodness Shouts!

God shouts his goodness in the rain that falls to the ground today. In the sun that warmed the air last week, His goodness shouted out. In the laughter of my children, His goodness was heard. I hear the shouts of His goodness in the words of life spoken to restore the weary. His goodness shouts in the belly laugh of a little girl who is tickled to death and can't escape her daddy. In the crooked smile of a teenage boy who tries hard not to laugh at his mom's joke, God's goodness shouts. God's goodness shouts through the tears of a elderly man who lays beside his dying wife of sixty-five years. His goodness is heard in the heart of a mommy and daddy who lost their child and are free from the bondage and anger of blaming God. His goodness shouts in the prayers of a child, so innocent, so selfish, yet; so heard. His goodness shouts in the middle aged husband who lost his dream and gets up another day. His goodness shouts in the words of forgiveness spoken as it takes back the ground stolen in relationships. His goodness shouts at the grave site of a mother who spent her life giving of herself in service and intercession for her children. I can hear his goodness as a young married couple smiles and says,"What was that fight about, I'm sorry." In the hand that gives soup to the homeless, His goodness shouts. In the adoption of the orphan, His goodness shouts. In the smile of a child who is hearing the happy birthday song, I hear His goodness shouting. In an angry heart, that chooses to not lash out, His goodness shouts. In the passionate sound of a moving song, His goodness shouts. His goodness shouts through the smiles of the sick. His goodness is heard through the companionship of a dog, and the joy they bring. His goodness shouts in the smile of a stranger, in the card of a friend, and in the hug from a brother or a sister. His goodness shouts in the confession of sin, in the heart of repentance, and in the freedom of newness. I can hear His goodness in the protection of a father for his daughter, and in the love of a mother for her son. His goodness shouts in the midst of pain so deep and heart wrenching, that even there, in that place - we stand, we move again. His goodness shouts in our eyes that allow us to see past the now, having hope for the future. His goodness shouts in the heart that believes people can change. His goodness shouts. In pain, in loss, in sorrow, in joy, in friendship, in death, in birth, in emptiness, in plenty, in want, in happy days, in love, in anger, in fun, in us. In us...His goodness shouts. And it always will. Why? Because that's who He is, that's what He does. That's why we are here. In you, in me, in all of us, His goodness shouts and is heard from the tallest mountain to the deepest valley. In us, His goodness shouts. In our lives His goodness rings out. No matter if you are homeless in the soup kitchen, or famous in LA. No matter if you have made mistakes that the world labels unforgivable and nonredeemable. If a father who sits in his lonely large home grieving the loss of his entire family can hear God's goodness shouting, I can. If an African orphan who was made to shoot his parents then eat them can hear God's goodness shouting, I can. If a married couple who lost a three year old twin boy to a drowning can hear God's goodness shouting, I can. If a pregnant woman looses all five babies in her womb right before they are to come in this world can hear God's goodness shouting, I can. If the homeless who have lost it all and have no hope can hear God's goodness shouting, I can. If the innocent prisoner who has no hope for freedom can hear God's goodness shouting, I can. You see, this life does stink at times. There are times we want to escape for sure. God's goodness shouting can sound like a whisper at times, I know. But the fact remains: He is shouting. In the middle of a hard and lonely journey or one that is filled with relationships...His goodness shouts. Look for it and you will find it. Listen for it and you will hear. In everything, there is a sound of His goodness. There is a sound of what His goodness wants to do, whats to bring, wants to change, wants to restore. It shouts through mankind, through the steadfastness of the hurting, though the freedom of the prisoner, through the smile of the broken, through the surrender of the proud, through the patience of the busy, through the laughter of the oppressed, though the prayers of the weary, through the grateful hearts of the poor, through the peace of the angry. Listen for it, because if you don't hear it now, you will. It was here before we were, and it will live on past our memory. God's goodness is shouting and I long to hear.